During my younger days, I struggled with inadequate feelings. I hated my look. I believed I was unlovable. I felt out of place in gatherings. I felt alone and deeply flawed. The list could go on and on. What I was really experiencing is what psychologists call “shame”.
Shame, pretty much everyone experiences it, but constant shame like feeling there is something wrong with you can impair your functioning and mental health. It can be a contributing factor to depression and anxiety.
Shame can be triggered by current experiences of feeling judged, criticized, or rejected by someone else or by remembrances of receiving harsh criticism or rejections from others.
So, how can we resolve shame?
- Recognize Your Shame
- The first step in changing anything is to be aware of it. Whenever it seems like you’re having a shame-related thought, anything that causes you, as a person, as bad, broken, or defective, identify it as such and jot it down.
- Understand Where It Comes From
- Next, is to find the origin of the shame. Spend time reflecting on your upbringing, relationship with your birth family or caretakers, experiences in school, and social environment.
- Share Your Shame
- You might think that when other people know about what you are ashamed of, they wouldn’t accept you and think negatively of you. In my past experiences, when I shared my shame stories, instead of getting a backlash judgment, I’ve gotten a compassionate response. And I believe shame dies when they’re told in a safe place. And, the more you talk about it, the more insignificant the shame is.
- Practice Self-Compassion
- Care for yourself as you’d treat others. Next time when you find yourself feeling shame, give yourself the same kindness as you would to a friend. Consider what you’d say to a friend who was feeling the same thing as you feel.
- Discover Your Self-Worth
- Stop thinking you are not good enough and start accepting and valuing yourself. Experiment with activities and hobbies that make you feel confident. Practice self-love to improve your relationship with yourself.
Final Thoughts
Constant shame is a powerful and painful emotion that can negatively shape our lives, but I do think it’s possible to overcome shame. You can start taking steps to overcome your shame but if you’re struggling with deep-seated shame, it’s better to speak to a therapist.