What I Thought Happiness Was

From my younger days until about ten years ago, I was always chasing happiness.

Back then, I thought happiness would come if I could talk easily, especially in a group. I didn’t have much confidence in myself. I often felt like I was lacking something, like I wasn’t quite enough. I kept pushing myself to do well in everything, believing I had to excel. When I thought I had failed, I would be very hard on myself and fall into a spiral of sadness.

Looking back now, I wonder if what I called happiness was really just my desire to feel accepted — to be seen as confident, fluent, and unshaken. Maybe I wasn’t chasing happiness itself, but trying to get away from self-doubt.

Over time, my perspective slowly changed. I began to realize that I don’t have to be perfect to be happy. Not being able to converse easily is not a disaster. It doesn’t define my worth.

The shift didn’t happen suddenly. There was no big moment. It came quietly — through experiences, disappointments, and a growing sense of tiredness from always trying so hard to be “better.”

In 2023, I understood something more. I saw that what mattered more than chasing some ideal version of myself was how I was living day to day. I still want to grow, to improve, to be healthy and fit. But it feels different now.

It no longer feels like I’m doing these things to earn happiness.

It feels like I’m doing them because they are part of living well.

Maybe happiness was never something waiting for me in the future.

Maybe it was always here, just hidden behind my constant striving.